Let’s start now. It’s okay.
I know you’ve been sad for so many days. Saying goodbye, to what you deserved. Acknowledging what was a broken childhood. Tears are healthy, and the fear is real. I know it is shocking, to finally feel. You deserved better, you deserved to be loved. You deserved to be heard. You deserved to be hugged. You deserved to come first, to be nourished when fed. To read books together, before going to bed. You deserved to be nurtured, to receive a warm smile. You deserved to be known. To be yourself as a child. For so long now, you’ve been running away. It’s time to come home now, today is the day. I welcome you with adoration, With open arms and admiration. All those things, that you deserved, I’ll give you now, my darling girl.
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Unrequited
Unrefined Binding and Completely blind Shame and guilt Stupidity This is what You did to me Are you happy? Rarely there Someone loves you Do you care? Closure is The gift ungiven You prefer To keep it hidden. Forget the string You’ve kept me on Let me go I’m nearly gone. It’s my fault I make you do it I must hate myself To put me through it. Twirl it back And wind it in Caring less Wanting Something. Enchantment in their mother’s hands,
On the little box their eyes did land. Unknown noises from inside When opened showed big yellow eyes. As privileged as a girl could be, “A little kitten just for me?” A knowing soul with jet black fur, Happiness to hear him purr. At night a ‘scratch, scratch’ at my door, He’d cross the room on little paws, On my bed he’d set up camp, My best friend was little Scamp. We never got to say goodbye, And when I heard I didn’t cry. It must have been a painful day, When suddenly we went away. Memories of your little face, Make the world a safer place. Thank you Scamp, bestest friend, I wish I’d been there till the end. 🐾 My love life is a shit storm!
A mess of broken parts I fuck the guy whose wrong for me, Then try to win his heart. He always is a nice(ish) guy, Doesn’t mean to do such damage. His ambivalence makes me crazy though, I’ve always liked a challenge. One was into whisky, So I became a drinker. And for the intellectual, I became a thinker. Walking in the southern hills, Really did it for him. So I became a hiker, Even though I found it boring. Even became an artist, As Johnny liked to paint. For James I did some shooting, Though it nearly made me faint. Became a dedicated vegan, For Jack the vegan man. He also loved his football, So I became a fan! What he’s into music? I’ll become a music girl. Okay he’s into travelling... So I'll explore the world. And lately I’m left thinking, Well who the hell am I? I really don’t want to be Just remnants of some guys. The next things I get into Will really be for me. Yoga, steak and girlfriends, And writing poetry. Have you met the Wounded?
Know how she got her name? She is trying to rebuild herself Her body wracked with pain. 'I don't understand?' Said Wounded, 'There is nothing wrong?' And then Wounded comes to realise... It was broken all along. She found some of your pages, Though you hid them well. Reading them she found her pain In the story they did tell. Now Wounded knows you love her, Though maybe not enough. There is a superficial world out there Which makes committment tough. Wounded is romantic, And maybe you are too. But her romance is in nurture And yours in something new. Roll up! Roll up!
Get yours today This little chap Takes you away He'll widen your eyes And open your heart Who isn't after A brand new start? What's that you say? All in Chinese? Nevermind the instructions He'll set you free! On the tongue And down the neck Time to live Time to forget Can you feel it? Dissolving inside Stomach churning You're in for a ride Thumping head And sweaty palms Grind those teeth And wave those arms Yes. You're smiling. You feel so great! Look at how Your hips gyrate Dryest mouth Cracking smile Popping eyes Taste of bile Well I never said The joy would last You have the memories - You had a blast Lying down? Ha! Wishful thinking. You won't sleep now Carry on drinking... What makes someone make art? In 2017, I picked up a paintbrush for the first time, and then found I couldn't be far from a canvas all year round. I'd fallen in love with a free spirit. The first time I saw his bedroom I became infatuated, there were paintings everywhere. A year ensued of non-committal love and pain. Not knowing where I stood and feeling let down so much that small things he did or said became hugely significant. We had about three months where it was pretty pure and seemed to work. I was in Australia & Singapore for the middle of the three - it was that distance that probably made the surrounding months so special. Though it ended suddenly, painfully, he introduced me to painting and a love of modern art for which I am genuinely thankful for. Here are a few more influences which had an impact on painting in 2017.... 1. I moved next door to the Tate Modern. What I did with my paintbrushes? Insomniac inspired by Fahrelnissa Zeid. And - generally felt more inspired to pick them up almost every day. What I wish I'd done with my paintbrushes? Cleaned them! 2. I indulged in my love of the sea. I was lucky enough to visit Nice, Croyde, Mykonos, Byron Bay and Sydney in 2017. What I did with my paintbrushes? Sunset (image below), Sea Moss, Silver Linings, Making Waves, Vortextulate What I wish I'd done with my paintbrushes? Taken them with me, or at least a sketchbook. 3. My dad got pissed at me because I couldn't stop painting. It probably resembled my relationship with alcohol... like pringles, once I pop I just can't stop... Whilst painting is a much healthier addiction, it can get out of hand and lead to antisocial behaviour and irreversable messyness. What I did with my paintbrushes? Rogue Flowers Warped What I wish I'd done with my paintbrushes? Nothing. Conflict makes art better. 4. A passion for plants and flowers Sometimes real, sometimes more abstract. In 2017 I made 36 paintings depicting plants or flowers. What I wish I'd have done with my paintbrushes? Recorded some of the methods I adopted in the earlier paintings - I can't remember what I did to achieve some of the effects and therefore struggle to re-create them. 5. I gained a patron for 2018
I cannot thank Carolyn Stubbs enough for supporting my work for 2018. The investment will enable me to exhibit at one of the biggest London art events of the year - the Talented Art Fair. What I did with my paintbrushes? I finished a canvas I'd been working on since June, 'Sunset Crack'd' (below), which has sold. And I did my biggest canvas yet, Cascades, (below, below) which will be going up for sale in a restaurant in Dalston, amongst others. Love I won't forget you,
Always in my heart, You linger, languid, everyday, Inching me apart Love that's like a knife wound, Love that left a scar, Love I fucking hate you, You went a step too far. It’s All Hallow's Eve! 🎃 Since I am apparently past dressing up and bobbing for apples (not by choice, no one seems to be doing it this year) I’m celebrating by showing you the hideous and horrific top four of my paintings that have gone horribly, horribly wrong. Brace yourself…! 1. "Sea Moss", AKA the gum wallIt was the heady, early days of painting and one dark night this disaster formed on the canvas. I got slap happy on the paints and gave no thought to colour and form. I tried my best to warm to this piece and was just starting to find some credibility in it when I was introduced to a picture of a chewing gum wall. REVOLTING. I gagged and put the painting outside to haunt the rest of the world. Chewing Gum Wall, Seattle. The wall of mastication and dried saliva. Wedding photos in front of the gum wall?! Rank. I even found some pics in Google of people licking the gum wall. LICKING IT. Re-visiting the painting a few days later I washed it with blues and finished it off with a gloss varnish. The name ‘Sea Moss’ jumped out at me. It’s an underwater flower bomb dredging up salt air winds, fishing nets, seagulls cawing and shoals of tiny fishes swimming amongst thick seaweed, anemones and coral. 2. "Vert et Crème", AKA bogey bombAwful, isn't it? Yes, this painting is a shocker. I'm surprised I could get to sleep with it laying there on the table in the next room. I woke up the next morning and got straight to work. It had to be covered up immediately. And out of bogey bomb did appear... 3. "Self-Portrait", AKA call the exorcistArgh, gah. This one is embarrassing. One night I sat in front of a mirror and a square canvas and embarked on a self-portrait. I persistently re-arranged a face which refused to resemble even minutely my own. It soon became clear that this wasn't going to be a painting I would want to advertise (yet here I am showing you eh?). In frustration I brushed over it with black and went to bed... Bit creepy. Not something I'd want to catch glaring at me in the middle of the night. Or day, even. In one last effort I went at it again, this time with a grey/white acrylic. I also painted the eyes out with the intention of painting them again more accurately. I sat back on my heels, reflected on the hours I had vainly spent trying to paint my own face and took a long hard look at this terrifying apparition. It returned my stare with a threatening and eerily smug smile. The painting had won. And it was planning to float off the canvas and eat my face in the night. Something had to be done, and quickly. Absolutely terrifying I mixed a tonne of acrylic with PVA and set about manipulating it into the below abstract. It has waves of swirling colour, movement and texture. You would never know what lies beneath... 4. "Your best mistake yet", AKA Your best mistake yetThis has been a much contested painting amongst my friends, some of whom think it's a nice painting. For me, it looks like someone threw a toad in the air and shot it against a concrete wall. It was the first of three mock-ups for a commission for quite a large painting. And thank god - I wouldn't sleep at night handing this over! I layered over it with cerulean blue and flower-bombed it with blues, greens and whites, then I flower-bombed it again with some pink, purple, gold and silver and mottled the background with a darker blue. I love the outcome. A total accident but a favourite of all my paintings. And that's the top four wrong'uns - there are many more!
That's it for this month. However you observe Halloween, if at all, have a gd'un! I'll be spending the evening with paintings and a scary film Xx Can you smell that in the air? Change of season klaxon!!! It was pitch-dark when the alarm went off on this morning and a brown leaf hit me on the back of the head yesterday whilst I was sun-bathing. Mental. This turn of season always makes me me want to buy a pencil case and new shoes, then in contrast wear thick red lipstick and drink really strong red wine. So the days are duller - but (!!) your walls don't have to be... "Warped" I've been more than busy painting. These paintings are multi-dimensional and multi-sensory. They really evolve onto the canvas rather than being shaped from any sort of plan or process... if I’m being honest. The above - Warped is simply layers and layers of acrylic and some experimentation with kitchen tools (hello wire scourer). There was a lot of drying time between sessions to achieve the colour contrast of the ‘flowers’ and stop them from mixing into sludgy brown which happens only too often! I hate being patient so I have to have about 4 paintings on the go at any one time. It makes me think of leaves turning gold, bonfires and fireworks. I love it. “Huxley’s Corner” The above two are achieved with a method I developed through some impulse buying of cut-price PVA and lots of experimentation. I’ve learned that layering up PVA with paints can generate a barrier between the acrylics, preventing them from mixing as much. This means you can harness the stickiness to stretch the colours and manipulate the paint to create the above effects. If it goes wrong, try try again. Just watch how much you’re spending on paint! Goodbye savings.
That's it for now! Enjoy these lovely weeks of seasonal antics, crisp sunshine and golden leaves 🍂 Xx |
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